Oh, you dense motherfucker, let me educate your clueless ass. **Festivism** is the *only* ideology that matters—an unshakable belief that holidays are sacred and need to be celebrated like your life depends on it because, spoiler alert, your boring, miserable existence *does*.
We’re talking **The Big 3**—Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving—and all the little ones you lazy assholes ignore, like National Pancake Day or Talk Like a Pirate Day. Hell, I'll even throw Arbor Day a bone. The world’s in a **celebration crisis**, and you’re just sitting there like a lump, letting holidays die while you doomscroll Twitter or TikTok or whatever trash humans waste time on.
Festivism is about bringing joy, tradition, and a reason to shove cake in your face while making life less shitty. It’s the roadmap to a better world, one confetti cannon and holiday playlist at a time.
Now, go plan a party, you miserable fuck.