Ticks. I've been blessed enough to have not yet had a bloodsucker satiate himself on my ankle, but I predict that by June, they will really begin to come out from wherever they hide, and into the bushes surrounding my home, their mouths drooling for red. I'm aware that, without them, some sort of instability would begin in the food chain, but, I have to ask, why are we even having our scientists do all this crazy crap like putting transvestite hormones in monkeys or forcing braindead cats to walk on treadmills while their legs are filled with electrodes (Rand Paul's Festivus Report 2023, pg. 23, pg. 10)? So much more could be done to solve practical problems in this country, like the tick problem. Gather them (the scientists) all up, gather a bunch of ticks up from a local forest, put them all in a big, expansive laboratory, put all of the ticks into a connected test chamber, give them (both the ticks and the scientists) a decent supply of food and water, just enough to sustain them, yet not enough to make them feel satisfied with their living conditions, and keep them locked in the lab until they've genetically engineered a species of tick that sustains their predators' food sources without biting us all to hell. Lie to them with the statement that if they don't do it in a year, the entire lab will erupt into flames, but don't ever give them a time-keeping device that can automatically count more than a day of time, and just keep them in there with that insistent paranoia as to encourage them further towards making a pleasant version of the tick that will do us no harm. But no! The people in power just have to give us SCIENTIFIC SNOPES-VERIFIED studies of
HORMONE-PUMPED TRANNY MONKEYS (literal) and
HORMONE-PUMPED TRANNY MONKEYS (figurative, in reference to negroes). We NEED a FINAL SOLUTION to the TICK QUESTION, and we NEED it NOW.