Listen, I think you have things flip-flopped, here. It isn't that you've been "suppressing" your dysphoria your entire life, it's that you've been brinking on the truth of a delusion for your whole two-decades, and now, you're being, quite frankly, and pardon my French, but, a real "
pussy-ass bitch" by cowering away
further into this dysphoria and accepting it as your personal false reality instead of confronting the natural truth about yourself, about what the underlying natural order of the
universe has set for
you by making you a
man. You've brought your mother to tears and an absolute fear for her son's safety from this, you've focused your entire life purpose onto a biology-defying goal that you're not even entirely confident in, and, quite simply, you think that simple changes in your physical form are all that it'll be to resolve your inner struggle for joy, and listen, pal, I think some past fellows have been through the same crap, but guess what?
Didn't work for them, either. So, you have an unrealistic expectation, you have a delusional desire, and that is all of the truth you will ever reach in trying to pursue and set your life around this.