- Joined
- Mar 6, 2024
- Messages
- 4,286
>oh my Spiderman this is JUST LIKE a canon event!
I'm not sure why I'm posting this as I'm rarely a seriousposter but it's the single most impactful event I've ever had on my life by far and even though I was literally fucking 6 years old and got a decent amount of therapy it still affects me a lot. I feel hesitant to call it childhood trauma though because it feels fucking stupid compared to something like seeing a parent commit suicide or being molested.
So let's begin shall we? On that month, I had been a few weeks into 1st grade. I was getting pretty tired from being rejected socially and bullied. I had a friend I'll nickname Nina who seemed nice. A few days ago there was this boy I'll nickname Owen who was new to the class. He was hispanic like me so I took initiative and wanted to befriend him. He was really nice and it might have been my first crush even, it's hard to remember. Anyway, Nina told him I wanted to kiss him and that I *liked him* which weirded him the fuck out. He said he didn't want to be friends with me anymore so I blamed Nina and genuinely want ballistic. I got enraged the next time I saw her and slammed her into the wall, trying to choke her to death.
The teacher intervened and called the principal who escorted me by my hair to her office. The principal literally fucking shouted at me and started saying stuff like I could go to jail in a few years for attempted murder. Then she called my parents and explained the situation and the looks on their faces were fucking devastating. For the next year or so they would bring up "Remember what you did to that poor girl?" when I was misbehaving. They're a lot better now, but damn. They also said "Why can't you be more like your cousin?"
That brings me to the consequences of this. Not only was my self esteem shattered, it also led to my "i am inherently evil" schema. Not only this, but it also led to a lot of romantic problems and latent transgenderism. I went throughout middle school and high school with sexual feelings but without any real romantic connections. (Pornography might have also contributed but that's besides the point.)
Fast forward to 2019 when I was 14 and eventually I start getting giddy and obsessed over an online friend I'll nickname Miles. Miles was an undiagnosed autist who was an emotionally sensitive yet highly linear-systematic thinker. I mention this because my cousin was also this way. I think when Miles started to pull away I subconsciously realized I wanted to have his psyche/mental chatacteristics. Yet it was full of subconscious resentment, "fuck you, I hate you for being better than me" since he was a subconscious replacement for my cousin.
I think I see having certain mental traits as very appealing because of my shattered self esteem. "Maybe I'd like myself if I was someone else" was a big motivator in the idea of being a pooner even if I sometimes deny it.
Thanks for listening, Soyteen Liker out.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this as I'm rarely a seriousposter but it's the single most impactful event I've ever had on my life by far and even though I was literally fucking 6 years old and got a decent amount of therapy it still affects me a lot. I feel hesitant to call it childhood trauma though because it feels fucking stupid compared to something like seeing a parent commit suicide or being molested.
So let's begin shall we? On that month, I had been a few weeks into 1st grade. I was getting pretty tired from being rejected socially and bullied. I had a friend I'll nickname Nina who seemed nice. A few days ago there was this boy I'll nickname Owen who was new to the class. He was hispanic like me so I took initiative and wanted to befriend him. He was really nice and it might have been my first crush even, it's hard to remember. Anyway, Nina told him I wanted to kiss him and that I *liked him* which weirded him the fuck out. He said he didn't want to be friends with me anymore so I blamed Nina and genuinely want ballistic. I got enraged the next time I saw her and slammed her into the wall, trying to choke her to death.
The teacher intervened and called the principal who escorted me by my hair to her office. The principal literally fucking shouted at me and started saying stuff like I could go to jail in a few years for attempted murder. Then she called my parents and explained the situation and the looks on their faces were fucking devastating. For the next year or so they would bring up "Remember what you did to that poor girl?" when I was misbehaving. They're a lot better now, but damn. They also said "Why can't you be more like your cousin?"
That brings me to the consequences of this. Not only was my self esteem shattered, it also led to my "i am inherently evil" schema. Not only this, but it also led to a lot of romantic problems and latent transgenderism. I went throughout middle school and high school with sexual feelings but without any real romantic connections. (Pornography might have also contributed but that's besides the point.)
Fast forward to 2019 when I was 14 and eventually I start getting giddy and obsessed over an online friend I'll nickname Miles. Miles was an undiagnosed autist who was an emotionally sensitive yet highly linear-systematic thinker. I mention this because my cousin was also this way. I think when Miles started to pull away I subconsciously realized I wanted to have his psyche/mental chatacteristics. Yet it was full of subconscious resentment, "fuck you, I hate you for being better than me" since he was a subconscious replacement for my cousin.
I think I see having certain mental traits as very appealing because of my shattered self esteem. "Maybe I'd like myself if I was someone else" was a big motivator in the idea of being a pooner even if I sometimes deny it.
Thanks for listening, Soyteen Liker out.
