“A Most Scholarly Inquiry into the Balding Bugcreature of the Soyjakian Cultus”
Or, “How I Learned to Stop Grooming and Love the Soy”
Lo! Behold the
Soyjak—an
effete simulacrum of man, his crown barren as the philosophical output of a midwit substack enjoyer. His visage? Round,
porcine. His ocular accoutrements? Thick-rimmed, fogged by the condensation of room-temperature Soylent™ Original, which he quaffs with
religious reverence between ctrl+v deployments of ironic screech panels on the digital bazaar known only as
the feed.
He is
sneedpilled. He is
heckin’ basedboycore. He cannot
cope, so he
dilates.
He utters phrases such as:
“ACKCHYUALLY,”
“You fell for the meme,”
“Imagine not chugging soisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoy

.”
Where once man stood proud with chest hair and ambition, now there is only
he/him self-parody. The Soyjak lumbers not through nature, but across
twitter threads and drama farms, neck craned toward his next
glowie callout post.
His enemies?
- Gigachads.
- Milk drinkers.
- Women.
- The concept of sunlight.
He writes essays on why
Soyface is praxis, citing Foucault, FemboyWiki, and "some guy on Discord." He calls himself
‘just ironic’ yet malds
unironically.
And in the silence of the night, when the GPU fans purr and his curated folder of 70,000 soyjak reaction images rest easy, he whispers one last truth into the void:
Fin.
Wouldst thou care for an appendix featuring hand-forged neologisms from the sacred archives of /soy/? Or mayhaps an
erudite genealogy of the “sneed-posting” phenomenon dating back to Mesopotamia?(what the fuck is femboywiki, chatgpt wrote this)
