Keyed Do you cook?

Clown said:
The ham and pesto recipes I can get you easy. My muscles I kinda just make on the fly, and fuck if I can remember where I got the vodka sauce recipe.

Ham with Pineapples and cherries

1 ham (the one pictures was like... 16 fucking pounds or something, very big, I have a big family)
1 can of pineapple rings (with the juice)
1-2 jars of cherries (maraschino, or bourbon bada bing cherries if you can find them. Save the juice again)
1/3 cup of honey (I use hot honey, but you can use normal)
1/4 cup mustard (I use stone ground, you can use yellow if you want, probably not honey, it'll be so sweet already, we want acidity and tartness here)
1/4 dark brown sugar
1/4 tsp nutmeg (fresh ground ONLY, preground looses so much flavor)
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground dried ginger (fresh ginger will be too strong. Someone should try it and see tho)
1/4 tsp ground clove
1/4 cup corn starch
A fair amount of whole clove
  1. Ensure ham is completely thawed. Place ham in your tray of choice, I like to use a disposable, deep foil tray, but you can use any deep pan.
  2. Use whole clove to stick pineapple and cherries in the ham
  3. In a big ass bowl, mix the juice from the fruit, the sugar, the mustard, the honey, ginger, clove, nutmeg, and cinnamon. It may be good to heat the honey before starting, just to make things easier
  4. Sprinkle and mix in the cornstarch
  5. Whisk until lump-free
  6. Transfer into a deep saucepan, and heat on medium-high heat. Whisk constantly to prevent it from burning on the bottom.
  7. Let it boil for 3/5 minutes, until it thickens adequately.
  8. Pour on the ham
  9. Stick it in a 325 F oven for 30 minutes uncovered
  10. Periodically baste with the juices, you can get away with only doing it once at the 30 minute mark, I do it once every 5 minutes or so. The more, the better.
  11. Cook for another 30 minutes. You can choose to stop basting, you can choose to continue, doesn't matter. The more you baste the better. I added the page break to ensure people don't forget to baste at least once.
  12. Rest for 15 minutes to keep the juices in the ham when you cut.
And my pesto
1/2 cup pine nuts (do not use any other kind of nuts. If you cannot produce pine nuts, do not make the recipe, you are undeserving of pesto and you should kill yourself unironically).
2 tablespoons of fresh squeeze lemon juice
1 garlic clove
1/4 teaspoon of sea salt
A generous fistful of fresh ground black pepper
2 cups of fresh basil leaves (if your grocery store has the full grown plant, buy that, not just a cut stem)
1/4 cup olive oil (good quality preferred)
1/4 fresh grated parmesan cheese (good quality preferred. Do not use shelf stable crumble, it will absorb all the oil and your pesto will be dog shit consistency)

  1. Put the pine nuts, lemon juice, garlic, salt, and pepper in a good processor, and pulse until it's a good crumble. You can probably use a mortar and pestle if you're a caveman of some kind, but it will take forty billion years.
  2. Add basil and pulse until combine
  3. Set the food processor to low, and pour in the olive oil while it runs. Add the parm, and pulse briefly to combine. You can add more olive oil if it's too crumbly
You can store this for a few months as long as it's submersed in olive oil, very good pesto.

I have a ton of good cookbooks, so if you guys want a recipe for something, I can likely grab a good one. Send pics when you make these things anons
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@Warrior-Z could never cook this, his shitskinned ass would get vaporized the moment he tried to touch the stove top with the intention of making it
 
i made spaghetti yesterday with some home-grown tomatoes and local cheese. It was great.
 
Clown said:
inb4 anyone says "CordNigger!" It's just an easy way to get photos from my phone to the schlog. I do cook, used to cook a lot more when I was living with my ex, but I still do, and I don't intend to stop cooking for holidays. If anyone wants recipes I use lmk
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I don't think anyone checks filenames. Also, good shit, bro. Isn't this one kind of dry, though?
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