If God does exist, then I would certainly say that he is malicious/flawed, to say the least. I mean, what kind of sick, evil God would create a world like this? Certainly not a God that I want to have anything to do with.
During my time in prison, I wrote down some detailed outlines of my own ideas for movies, and one of them was my personal attempt, in my own words, "the most disturbing, horrifying, nihilistic, misanthropic, life-denying film ever made". The fact that even the deeply jaded and desensitized prison staff were shocked and disturbed by it tells me that I did exactly what I set out to do. That film idea was one giant "fuck you" to everyone and everything - me telling the human race what I really think of it.
There's
a well-known/notorious image - widely circulated on places like /r/cringepics and Cringe Channel - of a teenage boy saying "I have two personalities... Nicest person you will ever meet [picture of him smiling at the camera] And... TWISTED FUCKING PSYCHOPATH [picture of him with goth eye makeup on scowling and flicking a candle lighter]". As cringe-inducing as that image may be, it pretty much describes me. I can be the nicest person in the world, but I can also be a "twisted fucking psychopath". What I was doing online in the past, for example, is textbook psychopathic behavior: just starting random fires and trying to create as much chaos and destruction as I possibly could for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than simply because I could. But, when I was at Butner, I would also regularly help out the demented guys and the blind guys in the unit, which is about as far from psychopathic behavior as you can possibly get. I really don't understand myself, to be perfectly honest.
I identify as a nihilist, and I try my best to be as amoral as possible. Even so, I do not deliberately try to be cruel or sadistic, and I have nothing but contempt for those who do. I doubt you ever read the
Two Kites From Other Inmates that I published a little while ago, but they demonstrate pretty well that many people who actually interact with me see right through the constant shock value edgelord shit that comes out of my mouth. I truly believe that humans, at their core, are nothing but pure evil with no redeeming qualities, but that still doesn't mean that I'm going to go out of my way to be evil just for the hell of it. People who do go out of their way to be evil just for the hell of it are perfect examples of
why I hate this miserable species so much.
I've never remotely thought of myself as being a positive person - quite the opposite, in fact. But, again, many people in prison thought of me as a positive person. One of my old cellmates thought of me as being a very positive person because, he said, I was helping him grow as a person. He thanked me for putting up with all manner of shit from him, and for helping him to get off of drugs and get out of the convict mentality. And, later, the case manager at Terre Haute FCI tasked me with being something of a keeper for a suicidal psych patient who had just arrived on my unit. He got sexually assaulted at his previous institution, so he was very nervous and frightened to be there. I assured the case manager that I would look out for this guy and I told the psych patient that, if he had any problems, to come to me about it, because I'm a psych patient just like him. I accepted him as my cellmate when nobody else would take him in, and I paid a shitton of money to have my room all painted and waxed up because he said that the room made him want to kill himself. It's actually much easier for me to deal with psych patients than it is for me to deal with quote-unquote "normal" people, because, obviously, I'm not a quote-unquote "normal" person and, as such, I simply cannot relate to normies on any level. But I can certainly relate to psych patients and other social outcasts.
I should note, however, that, after seemingly endless drama and him antagonizing me non-stop, the psych patient finally got moved to a different unit. I showed him nothing but kindness and he rewarded me by shitting all over me. As always, that's what I get for doing the right thing. No good deed goes unpunished. So much for karma.
When I was in prison, I wrote (and often repeated): "There are times when I honestly feel like my current life is the origin story for some comic book villain. With each passing day, I gradually feel myself turning into a truly bad guy."
During one of my previous extended durations in the SHU (solitary confinement), I read
Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, who survived the Nazi concentration camps and went on to become one of the leading psychologists in the world. It was interesting, to be sure, but it certainly didn't change my way of thinking. I am still an atheist, still a nihilist, and most definitely still a misanthrope. If anything, reading about the Holocaust just further reinforces my view of how utterly vile the human race is. To be honest, I've never remotely understood the use of the word "humanity" as a synonym for kindness, selflessness, mercy, generosity, and so forth. That's the opposite of human nature, which is why it takes people so much more effort to behave like that. No, when I think of humanity, I think of things like the Holocaust, the slave trade, the Rwandan genocide, the Srebrenica massacre, and, more recently, the ethnic cleansing in Ukraine. That's what humanity is all about. The word "humanity" should be used as a synonym for cruelty, bigotry, selfishness, greed, prejudice, depravity, and lust for power.
The classic "Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory" (coined by the webcomic
Penny Arcade) holds that "regular person + anonymity + audience = total fuckwad". The internet (and especially the dark web) provides us with an invaluable portal into the darkest recesses of the human psyche because, when people are completely anonymous and they know that they won't be held personally accountable for their actions, they will simply behave like the feral, depraved, iniquitous monsters that they really are (I, of all people, should know a thing or two about this sort of thing). People reveal aspects of themselves on the internet that they would never reveal to anyone in real life - not even to a therapist. But the only thing stopping people from behaving like that in real life is the threat of personal accountability for it. Look at any place where there are no laws - whether it's Somalia or New Orleans - and you'll see people behaving the exact same way that they behave on the internet. Or look at how UN diplomats act, because they're given total impunity. That's just their true, horrible human nature coming out.
To be perfectly honest, I don't think that there is such a thing as good people, and I don't think that humans possess any redeeming qualities. I think that all human beings are intrinsically rotten to the core. Everything that people do is motivated by selfishness. We are the only species that takes pleasure in the suffering of other members of our species, and we are the only species that kills for pleasure and not for survival. We also reproduce just for the sake of reproducing, and the only other species that does that is cancer. We are a cancer on this planet and, when we inevitably wipe ourselves out of existence, it will be the best thing we ever did.
Again, I'm sure I sound like an angsty teenage edgelord, but I'm just being candidly honest.
I've been seeing doctors and getting placed on medications since I was a little kid. Nothing has ever helped me, really, and, at this point, the only reason that I don't commit suicide is because I am simply too afraid of death. I profoundly hate this world and I truly wish more than anything that I had never been placed in it to begin with.
