i don't know if anyone else can relate to this, but it's eating away at me. went through a rough childhood, my mom barely interacted with me, and most human contact i've had has been male. never had a close female friend, never had sisters. grew up on 4chan and pinterest, looked at too much porn, my mind is decaying, and i hate myself so fucking much. down to the bones. i feel like i see myself (and other women) the way men do and it makes my skin crawl, but i can't do anything about it. i feel sexual, and anytime i feel unsexual i feel like a failure. i'm never at ease with my own body. i feel embarrassed being naked alone. i'm in that awful space where i'm terrified of being seen the way i see myself so i dress explicitly for the male gaze, just like, defensively, baggy thick everything, but i'm still living completely based on the male eye, and i feel like i can't escape them even in solitude. my soul is a man watching a woman and he's a fucking creep and i hope he'd kill himself, but it's me, and i wish i didn't feel like my own enemy. is there a term for this? is there a way out? i wish i never knew how men think. i don't even know how other women think. i'm a freak.
