This was my first Christmas out of prison since 2014. It was the first time in ten years that I was able to spend Christmas with my family. We did all of the usual Christmas stuff and I should be happy, but I'm not. I still feel an overwhelming sense of melancholy and anhedonia - in fact, even more than usual. I don't feel as bad as I often did in prison around this time of year, but I still feel like shit. And I also feel guilty for feeling that way, because I know how much my family cares about me and how happy they are to finally be able to spend Christmas with me again. But it was pretty obvious that I wasn't happy, even if I didn't outright say it. I honestly feel like I just ruin everything with my complete inability to feel joy or pleasure.