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Why do you even want a girlfriend?
A part of me just wants to find someone and help them and be there for them, that's all really. I could probably do that with a guy and just be their best friend, but I don't know, it's all pointless in the end. I miss my best friend, but not really. I used to love him and care for him, he was a lot like me, solitude, but I don't talk to him anymore. I don't really think I need a girlfriend, I just want to be there for someone when they need someone to talk to and vice versa, but I feel like I'm unable to really do that, even with men, if it's women then maybe theres something that makes it easier to care for them in some strange way, I mean it is useless though, over the internet there really is not much you can do or say and I suck at initiating good conversations to people that I don't know much about or whatever, but I just feel like maybe it'd be a good exercise for me or something, something that could help me with empathy, I don't know.

Maybe it's just the wrong idea in general, but if I don't focus on other people, then I'll only have myself, and only having myself is pretty lonely. I want a sense of community and I have it, I guess, but it's tough. I've expressed this before, but I hate my sister, she's never been there for me and I have dreams about her doing awful things to me and getting away with it. When I had that dream this morning, I made it a promise to myself that if she rudely pushed me out of the way or manhandled me in any way, I would fully punch her head off. Thankfully she didn't, but she's still rude to me. I shouldn't be so mad, but I am, we're supposed to be a family, we're supposed to care for eachother, but she just doesn't. I hate this, but maybe I just want to find someone out there like me and just try to help them, but that's just so naive and genuinely stupid, and people are right about me.

I don't need a girlfriend at all. I'm not fit for that in any way or shape or form and I have barely anything to provide, I'm some loser locked to the internet, but atleast I have good hobbies I guess. But it's just a shame that despite knowing that, I still have fantasies about what it could be like if someone I knew needed comfort and I was there to comfort them in some strange way, but it's whatever, that's probably not my role in society or whatever.

I still struggle to understand what I'm even supposed to do, considering that everything I create will not be universally recognized. It might get recognized by a small amount of people and that's all that should matter but at the end of the day I just feel like I'm on this planet for practically no reason and the very small amount of people who care about me makes it easy for me to leave this planet at any time and just become a blip in time, like nothing ever happened. Maybe that's why I'm so obsessed with history and archiving, I just wish that all of us, no matter how insignificant could be remembered someday, but I'm too naive.

I've said enough.
 
A part of me just wants to find someone and help them and be there for them, that's all really. I could probably do that with a guy and just be their best friend, but I don't know, it's all pointless in the end. I miss my best friend, but not really. I used to love him and care for him, he was a lot like me, solitude, but I don't talk to him anymore. I don't really think I need a girlfriend, I just want to be there for someone when they need someone to talk to and vice versa, but I feel like I'm unable to really do that, even with men, if it's women then maybe theres something that makes it easier to care for them in some strange way, I mean it is useless though, over the internet there really is not much you can do or say and I suck at initiating good conversations to people that I don't know much about or whatever, but I just feel like maybe it'd be a good exercise for me or something, something that could help me with empathy, I don't know.

Maybe it's just the wrong idea in general, but if I don't focus on other people, then I'll only have myself, and only having myself is pretty lonely. I want a sense of community and I have it, I guess, but it's tough. I've expressed this before, but I hate my sister, she's never been there for me and I have dreams about her doing awful things to me and getting away with it. When I had that dream this morning, I made it a promise to myself that if she rudely pushed me out of the way or manhandled me in any way, I would fully punch her head off. Thankfully she didn't, but she's still rude to me. I shouldn't be so mad, but I am, we're supposed to be a family, we're supposed to care for eachother, but she just doesn't. I hate this, but maybe I just want to find someone out there like me and just try to help them, but that's just so naive and genuinely stupid, and people are right about me.

I don't need a girlfriend at all. I'm not fit for that in any way or shape or form and I have barely anything to provide, I'm some loser locked to the internet, but atleast I have good hobbies I guess. But it's just a shame that despite knowing that, I still have fantasies about what it could be like if someone I knew needed comfort and I was there to comfort them in some strange way, but it's whatever, that's probably not my role in society or whatever.

I still struggle to understand what I'm even supposed to do, considering that everything I create will not be universally recognized. It might get recognized by a small amount of people and that's all that should matter but at the end of the day I just feel like I'm on this planet for practically no reason and the very small amount of people who care about me makes it easy for me to leave this planet at any time and just become a blip in time, like nothing ever happened. Maybe that's why I'm so obsessed with history and archiving, I just wish that all of us, no matter how insignificant could be remembered someday, but I'm too naive.

I've said enough.
Wordtsarbomba, First quote.
 
A part of me just wants to find someone and help them and be there for them, that's all really. I could probably do that with a guy and just be their best friend, but I don't know, it's all pointless in the end. I miss my best friend, but not really. I used to love him and care for him, he was a lot like me, solitude, but I don't talk to him anymore. I don't really think I need a girlfriend, I just want to be there for someone when they need someone to talk to and vice versa, but I feel like I'm unable to really do that, even with men, if it's women then maybe theres something that makes it easier to care for them in some strange way, I mean it is useless though, over the internet there really is not much you can do or say and I suck at initiating good conversations to people that I don't know much about or whatever, but I just feel like maybe it'd be a good exercise for me or something, something that could help me with empathy, I don't know.

Maybe it's just the wrong idea in general, but if I don't focus on other people, then I'll only have myself, and only having myself is pretty lonely. I want a sense of community and I have it, I guess, but it's tough. I've expressed this before, but I hate my sister, she's never been there for me and I have dreams about her doing awful things to me and getting away with it. When I had that dream this morning, I made it a promise to myself that if she rudely pushed me out of the way or manhandled me in any way, I would fully punch her head off. Thankfully she didn't, but she's still rude to me. I shouldn't be so mad, but I am, we're supposed to be a family, we're supposed to care for eachother, but she just doesn't. I hate this, but maybe I just want to find someone out there like me and just try to help them, but that's just so naive and genuinely stupid, and people are right about me.

I don't need a girlfriend at all. I'm not fit for that in any way or shape or form and I have barely anything to provide, I'm some loser locked to the internet, but atleast I have good hobbies I guess. But it's just a shame that despite knowing that, I still have fantasies about what it could be like if someone I knew needed comfort and I was there to comfort them in some strange way, but it's whatever, that's probably not my role in society or whatever.

I still struggle to understand what I'm even supposed to do, considering that everything I create will not be universally recognized. It might get recognized by a small amount of people and that's all that should matter but at the end of the day I just feel like I'm on this planet for practically no reason and the very small amount of people who care about me makes it easy for me to leave this planet at any time and just become a blip in time, like nothing ever happened. Maybe that's why I'm so obsessed with history and archiving, I just wish that all of us, no matter how insignificant could be remembered someday, but I'm too naive.

I've said enough.
holy mental illness
 
What happened? I don't think you've mentioned him before
I won't say anything about it. I don't wanna speak to him again, I just miss the version of him that wasn't such a manipulative asshole, but the more I think about it the more I realize that the world has been a lot crueler than he's ever been to me. We don't have a lot in common anymore, unfortunately.
 
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